Bad Day

Today was not a good day for me.  A few minor irritants accumulated, resulting in that generalized anxiety I have been feeling now and then.   Being so unsettled and uncertain has been a challenge.  I am a planner, and I like to at least know what is “supposed” to happen.  Then if it doesn’t, I usually throw a minor fit and then begin to adjust as necessary.  So there’s been a minor fit somewhere inside me for the better part of four months.  Sometimes it morphs into major.  Sometimes I unleash one on Steve or an unsuspecting friend.  Sometimes I unravel one using reason and sometimes it disappears into the warm embrace of comfort or dissolves into gratefulness or love.

But structure makes me feel sturdy.  I can deviate from it more easily if I am the one breaking the walls or building the new addition.  If someone else is altering the plans, it takes me an extra day or two for me to feel at home in the new construction.

Ah, that construction analogy has already calmed me down a bit.  It makes me feel better to have construction going on somewhere—anywhere.  Our angel of a contractor is on week three of trying to get licensed in Nassau County, while we continue to pay mortgage AND rent, with no help from FEMA.  There is still no insurance money beyond our advance, which was gone about 24 hours after we received it.   So–we have spent a good deal of time in limbo being led around by a leash begging.

So, today it got to me.  Perhaps because I’m also trying to get organized for tax season (gotta get money somewhere) but my files are in about four places, only three of which are known to me.  I have an observation with my principal scheduled for this week and report cards due soon.  At lunch, instead of doing school work, I had to make a decision about our proposed bathroom and call my bank.  And all the while, my muscles were sore from sleeping on an air mattress.  It got to me.

Instead of having a fit this evening, I complained to you.  I did not feel like writing anything inspiring or funny.   Thanks for listening.  I feel better.  And now I feel even better!  My adjuster just emailed me that although it has yet to go through, he completed our claim and submitted it.  If approved, we should have an insurance check within a few weeks.

We know from our friends who are further along in the process that the mortgage will hold the bulk of our check hostage until we are done with construction—and we will have to come up with full funding until then.  We know that this will not cover contents or pay back the people we borrowed from.  It will not get Steve a job or start him on a career path.  But we are slowly moving forward and very grateful.  A bad day ended on an up note.

Perhaps I should get pissy more often!